Enjoy

You wouldn't think a little 5-letter word could cause such problems. You wouldn't think so... but you'd be wrong. At Overflow on Tuesday night, we had a guest speaker who talked about finding joy in all circumstances and situations, even when it seems nearly impossible. Sometimes God likes to hit me over the head like this, with things he knows I need to hear. I do not mind this. I actually love it, because it means God is paying attention, and actually cares about me enough to hit me in the head with truths I need to be reminded of. That's another thing about me, I have a horrible memory... I think.

Anyway, since Tuesday night I've been thinking a lot about this whole joy thing, and just the idea of enjoying my everyday life. The thing is, it's kind of hard to enjoy life when you're constantly stressed out about finances, and missing your family and boyfriend like crazy, and that beautiful, poetic country of Chile keeps calling to you, asking why you ever left it.

That last thing is what I'd really like to focus on, I guess. Missing Chile. It's been almost a year since I left, and now that I have some perspective on the situation, I feel like I should KNOW what I'm feeling. But I don't really. Is that weird? I kind of feel like my emotions have been cut up into jigsaw puzzle pieces, but not the easy ones designed for 3-year-olds where there are only 5 pieces to the puzzle, and 2 of them are cows. I'm talking about those 10,000 piece puzzles, the ones designed for HARDCORE puzzle lovers, where you think your brain might fall right out of your head if you have to put together ONE MORE piece of the ocean. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that my emotions are all mixed up right now. There, now why didn't I just say that in the first place?

I was thinking about Chile tonight, as I often do. The truth is, I think about Chile every day. Basically it's hard not to, when every other notification on Facebook is from a friend I made while in Chile, and I still read blogs from fellow gringas living in Chile, and I come face-to-face with radiant images of Santiago every single day in the form of postcards on the wall in my room. How could I NOT think about Chile? But tonight I just had a flood of memories come back, little snapshots of my life there, and especially since I am a spring-fever junkie, and find myself longing for warm, sun-filled days and soft breezes, I was reminded of spring and summer days spent in the southern hemisphere. Biking to Lider to buy cervezas and mani (salted peanuts) and fluorescent orange construction paper to make candles... walking around Bellavista, staring up at San Cristobal and reminiscing on a long-ago picnic complete with dobladitas and chocolate pudding... walking home in the soft, purple light and seeing the beautiful Andes mountains looming large on the horizon, seeming so close sometimes that I could almost touch them if I just reached out my hand a little farther... these few scenes don't even scratch the surface of my Chilean memories, but that's not the point. The point is that lately my heart has been aching to return to this skinny little country at the end of the world. I yearn to walk those streets again, and have that strangely beautiful Spanish dialect fall on my ears, and see the Andes in all their majesty, and just BE. I long for Chile, and in some weird, perhaps slightly egotistical way, I think Chile longs for me too.

But this is the problem. I cannot, no matter how much I may want to, be in Chile right now. For many reasons. And so, I am faced with that monumental task of enjoying my life as it is right now. Enjoying where I am, and who I'm with, and what I'm doing. And I'm praying that God will help me to do just that, because I yearn to enjoy every moment, and just suck all the goodness out of life that I can. I feel like life is a sweet, juicy nectarine and I just want to suck all the juice I can out of it, and savor it on my tongue. I long for joy, and peace, and contentment. And chocolate. At this moment, I simply long for chocolate. Thanks be to God that I have dark chocolate peppermint squares in my refrigerator right this second. How amazingly delectable.